Living a lie – Chapter 3

I was sat in my science class. We were doing Chemistry today. The teacher, like always, asked me a load of questions. However, for once in my life, I couldn’t answer them with a proper answer. I was a little zoned out. Both with the illness and the fact I bumped into Tony at school. Was he in my year group? He can’t be, I could have sworn he was older than me. Then again, he could be younger than me. That explains why he wasn’t drinking at the party when I met him. I hope he’s over the age of 16. He probably is. I have never asked. I probably should.

My phone was buzzing in my pocket during break. Lilly-Anne was looking for me. I told her where to meet me and then decided to text Tony.

‘Hey, I never asked. What’s your full name? And when is your birthday?’ I sent. I go a response quickly.

‘Tony Richardson, and January 2nd’ he replied, ‘Why?’

‘I was wondering your age…’

‘I’m 18. Don’t worry, you’re not a pedophile for being into me ;)’

‘I didn’t think I was a pedophile…’

‘Sure ;)’ He kept sending the winky emojis. I really didn’t want Lilly to see these texts. It would ruin everything. He pretty much said that we had done stuff. It was a kiss. Kisses mean nothing. Friends kiss each other all the time. Family kiss each other. I kiss my grandma. Doesn’t mean I am in love with her and want to have sex with her. No. I mean for one I am a virgin, also me having sex with my grandmother would be disgusting.

Lilly sprung at me as soon as she saw me. I nearly fell over. Usually I would have been fine. She knew instantly that I wasn’t well still.

“You know I was kidding when I said you better be at school. You look awful.” She put her hand to my forehead.

“Yes but I needed to come in today.”I said.

“Why?” Good question.Why? Why did I come in today? It’s not like I learned anything in any of my classes. I was just so distracted and felt like being sick. So what is the point in being in today?

“Good question.” I said. She decided to drag me to the nurse’s office. If I’m being completely honest, I did want to go home as soon as possible. I wanted to lay in bed and sleep for like 72 hours. Maybe more. However long it takes to make me feel better.

The nurse called home and my mother was apparently coming to collect me. My mother doesn’t drive. I do. So by coming to collect me, what is really meant is she was going to show up in a taxi and then make sure I didn’t crash as I drove us home.

We returned home and I went straight to bed. I didn’t sleep. I was texting Tony, trying to see if I can hang out with him again. Of course I knew he would say yes eventually. Though, right now, he was playing a bit ‘hard to get’. I finally got him to see me again, but he made it clear that I had to be better and it couldn’t be at my home. I was okay with that agreement. He didn’t want to get sick, and I didn’t want to get him sick. This is why I hate being sick though, it makes me a liability. It means my friends and family start to avoid me. Honestly, I don’t think my mother could handle getting sick. She is too weak.

Fortunately, it only took me a couple of days to recover. But I wasn’t going to school. My mother was too worried. Instead I snuck out of the house and went to meet Tony- wherever it was that Tony wanted to meet. He hadn’t made that clear yet. So I was walking down the street, waiting for a message to say where to meet him and he just jumped onto my back. I very nearly fell over.

“You know, if Lilly or even Matt saw you like this with me, they would get incredibly jealous.” I said. That got a response from him, which I did not expect.

“Good.” He replied and placed a kiss on my neck. Only Lilly has ever kissed my neck. She has a way which makes it feel good, but that was in our attempts to have sex. The attempts which didn’t really work. We could never really master the spur of the moment thing. One day- I hope- it will just flow though. “You’ve gone red.” He spoke, pulling me out of my train of thought. I didn’t even realise that I had zoned out.

“Yeah, I was thinking about when Lilly-Anne kisses my neck.” I told him. He looked a little wounded at what I said, but a smirk grew on his face.

“You’re such a virgin.” He laughed. I rolled my eyes and playfully hit him.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do. You’re a virgin. You’ve never had sex.” He intertwined his hand with mine and started to walked with me somewhere. I didn’t know where we were going. Only he did. Perhaps we didn’t even have a location. Perhaps we were just wandering. I wouldn’t know.

“Have you had sex?” I asked him. I bit my lip. Why did I ask that? I didn’t want to know the answer.

“A few times.” He said. Yeah that hurt. I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t understand why it hurt though. It’s not like he is my boyfriend. Why should I care who he has slept with?

“And by a few, you mean?”

“3 people.” He said. “I regret the first two times. The third time was just… I don’t regret it but it wasn’t as enjoyable as I wish it could have been.” He looked a little ashamed of himself, so I dropped the subject.

Things went awkward for a while. We didn’t talk. He just held my hand and walked with me. It was starting to become uncomfortable, but just as I was about to speak, he decided to interrupt the silence.

“We’re nearly there.” His voice seemed loud, probably because it shocked me. The air was dead until he spoke. Something about silence just makes noise seem louder.

“Where exactly?” I asked. He smiled a little and then started to laugh.

“My sex torture dungeon.” He said. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. “We need to devirginize you.”

“Can’t my girlfriend do that?”

“No. You’re never going to have sex with that lass. You’re too gay. I need to devirginize you.” He was still laughing. This was making me very uncomfortable. “Relax. I don’t own a sex torture dungeon. I run a brothel.” Now I knew he was messing with me. I punched his arm lightly.

“This isn’t funny.” I pouted. He stopped walking and wrapped his arms over my shoulders.

“You’re so cute. You’re such a virgin.” He laughed and kissed my nose. I wasn’t blushing. I wasn’t. I swear I wasn’t. “Awe you’re blushing.” He said. Damn it. I looked away coyly.

“How far away are we?” I asked. I just wanted to be out of the awkward situation that Tony was placing me under.

“Round the corner.” Tony turned my face to look at him. “Please don’t go shy on me.” He whispered. I couldn’t help it though. He made me feel odd. Tony let me go and started to walk, but I was stuck to the spot. I couldn’t move. Something had come over me, I felt a whole bunch of emotions: shy, nervous, excited, scared. I was very conflicted and I wasn’t sure I was enjoying the feeling.

Upon arriving at Tony’s place, I felt a bit anxious. My breathing had picked up, my chest was hurting. I don’t know why. He looked at me. He, somehow, knew what was going on with me and tried to help me the only way he knew how. His arms flew around my shoulders and his lips touched mine. His head was tilted to the left a little, mine at the right. His eyes were shut and he kissed me with love. I kissed back, but I didn’t know why. Why would I kiss him back? 1) He’s a he, 2) I have a girlfriend. Why do I keep doing this? I need to stop doing this.

But it’s just so tempting.

I swear I am not like this. I need to go to church or something. My soul needs to be cleansed.

Tony pulled away from the kiss and went inside. Instinctively, I followed him. My guard was up now though. It wasn’t going to happen again. Not today.

His home was rather plane. I didn’t expect this. The walls were painted white. The stairs wooden. He walked up them slowly, trying not to be loud, but his feet were betraying him. The stairs creaked loudly. I couldn’t help but let out a stifle of laughter at him. He looked at me, kind of disappointed. He rose his finger to his lips, as if to say ‘shh’. I’m not entirely sure as to why he wants me to be so quiet. If he wanted to sneak in unnoticed, surely that plan has failed. The stairs are incredibly loud.

After ‘creeping’ up the stairs, I literally just walked up them. It made no sound and Tony looked at me in disbelief. He shook his head and vanished into a room. I room, which I assume, is his room.

Surprisingly, his room was not much different from the plain halls. There was posters pinned up on the wall. One of which being a famous drag queen. I don’t really know much about drag queens- but I had heard of them. His bed had a white duvet on it but it had a red fluffy blanket laid at the end of it. It was all very tidy.

“Make yourself comfortable.” He said. I found myself a seat on the bed and he looked at me. A smile crept up onto his face. Tony found himself the courage to sit on my lap. I started to wriggle a little, letting him know that I didn’t want him on there so he slipped off.

“Why am I here?” I asked.

“Why are you suddenly being fridged?” He asked me back. He looked kind of angry. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No-”

“Then what the Hell!” He snapped. He put his hand on his forehead. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.” He looked at me. I backed up on the bed to get away from him. “Don’t move away. I don’t want to pin you down.” He said. I looked away.

“I think I better leave.” I told him and stood up.

He jumped up and slammed me into the wall. I whimpered as he pushed my head hard into it.

“Now listen here. You leave when I want you to leave.” He growled into my ear. He then threw me onto the bed. “I told you that I didn’t want to pin you down. Now look what you’re forcing me to do.” He knelt on one of my wrists and held the other above my head onto the bed with his hand. His free hand pulled my hair, exposing my neck. I teared up. I didn’t want this.

“Let me go… Please” I was practically begging. He leaned in and bit my neck. I let out a loud noise. It was practically a scream. It hurt. He was hard. He came back up with blood on his mouth.

“You want me to stop?” He asked. I nodded and he bit my neck again. I let out another scream. It felt like he was eating me alive.

I stood up and Tony looked at me.

“Why are you going?” He asked.

“Because… I don’t feel… 100% comfortable” He looked away.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” He said. “You can go. I’ll see you at school.”  Now I felt bad for leaving. I ended up just sitting back down and he laughed a little.

I shouldn’t have stayed. I made a mistake by doing that. Tony was really nice. He kissed me again, but gently. He knew I felt a bit off, and he wasn’t about to make me feel worse. The kiss didn’t make me feel worse. It made me feel better. Put me at ease. And one thing lead to another. I shouldn’t have let it, but I did. I laid back and let it happen. It felt nice. I wonder if this is why so many kids at school have been doing it. But I shouldn’t have let it happen. I do have a girlfriend after all. I wonder for how long now. I couldn’t stop it. It just felt… nice.

Afterwards, Tony lay on my stomach with his head on my chest. He was staring at my red face.

“Congratulations.” He laughed.

“On what?” I asked. Why would he just randomly congratulate me? On no longer being a virgin? On what?

“Exactly.” He said and pecked my lip. He was such a tease. We spent a while just staring at each other and giggling like we were little school girls. He’d peck my lips every now and again, just to tease me some more.

“I don’t want people to know.” I muttered. He looked concerned at that.

“That you had sex?” He asked and I nodded. “Why not?”

“Because I have a girlfriend.”

“Dump her.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I love her.”

“Do you love me?” That was a question. Do I love him? I must do if I let him do all that he did to me. He was waiting for an answer. But I couldn’t give an answer to that question. “Nathan. Please tell me we didn’t just have sex for no reason…” He seemed worried. “Did we have sex for no reason?”

“No.”

“Then do you love me?”

“I don’t know!” I shouted. He looked at me.

“Why don’t you?”

I started to tear up. My chest started to hurt and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was having a panic attack. I haven’t had one of these in a long time.

“Woah, calm down.” He said rubbing my back. But I couldn’t.

Grabbing a pillow, I curled up and hid my face. Being seen in a position like this was never something I enjoyed. Very few had seen it. Just my mum, Matt and Lilly. And well… Now Tony had as well. Everyone but Tony knew how to calm me and what not to do afterwards, which was tell people. Though, Tony probably wouldn’t spread this around the school. He is a bit of an introvert. He’s not a bully.

I naturally calmed down about half an hour later, but I felt incredibly tired. My phone buzzed, it was my mum wanting me to get home. I kissed Tony goodbye and asked him not to tell anyone about the panic attack.“You want me to keep a lot of secrets, Shaw.” He said.

“And I am hoping you can keep them, Richardson.” Was my response. He nodded and kissed me.

“I’ll miss you, Nathan.” He said. I smiled brightly at him.

“I know. I’ll miss you too.” And I left. I figured I’ll try to be quiet when going down the stairs to leave. I have no idea why we had to be quiet when going up them in the first place. But I figured that doing the same on the way down is what Tony would want me to do.

The hardest part about going home was trying to remember where I was. Earlier on, I had Tony to guide me. Now I was alone. My mother called, asking when I would be returning. I let her know that I was on my way home, but was a bit lost. She laughed nervously. She didn’t like me to be alone when I was in unknown areas. But this area was pretty safe. I’m certain of it. After calming her down, I realised where I was and was able to get home. I had to tell her about the panic attack. That was going to worry her. But Lilly was round at the moment, so I will have to tell her afterwards. Lilly-Anne would really worry if she knew I had a panic attack. She would want to know all the details. Where it happened. When it happened. Who I was with when it happened. What I was doing when it happened. Why it happened. All questions I did not feel comfortable revealing the answers to. Especially to her.

I was a full blown cheater now. I had a tough decision to make. Or a couple of them. The first one being this: what is my sexuality? I always figured myself to be straight, but after today, I am pretty certain that I’m not. However, I have a girlfriend. I love her. We haven’t had sex or anything, but I’m not against the idea of trying it with her. So I’m not gay either. What are the other sexualities? Pan. I don’t fully understand pan. Plus, I don’t think I could be with someone who is trans perhaps because I would feel slightly uncomfortable. What if I got their gender wrong accidentally. I’d feel so guilty. So no. I’m not pan. What about Bi? That seems likely. I love Lilly-Anne… I- Like… Tony. Yeah. Bisexual seems about right. I’d have to come out as that as well.

The other decision I would have to make is this: Tony or Lilly? Why was life so hard? I wish I could have both without being considered a bad person. It would crush Lilly if I chose Tony, but Tony would never speak to me again if I chose Lilly. This was going to be the hardest decision of my life. I think I needed a while alone to weigh up the options. But I don’t have a while, because Lilly is round at mine right now. This is going to be awkward.